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[personal profile] hellziggy
I haven't been posting much for a variety of reasons. Not a lot going on in my everyday life, random thoughts going in short bursts to Facebook or Twitter instead, not having time when I do feel like posting.

But the main reason is that I haven't been doing much of anything lately.

I know I've talked before about suffering from both depression and ADD. In the last couple weeks I've come to the realization that my depression is at the worst it's been in literally years. I joke and say that I've been on anti-depressants since I started dating Rick, but the reality is that I'm on anti-depressants because he was the first person to ever look deep enough to see the symptoms of depression. After trying to figure out medication and finding one that worked I was amazed to learn that it was possible to not be sad all the time. I've suffered from depression for pretty much my whole life. I remember lying in bed as a kid with my pillows & blankets over my head wishing that I'd just die in my sleep. In our family the focus was all on my little brother who had ADHD & learning disabilities. I was the "easy kid," the one they didn't think they needed to worry about so they just didn't.

Over the last 9-10 months we’ve changed my medication for various reasons and it had seemed to be working fine at first. But being the creeping monster that it can be, my depression had been slowly coming back, stronger than it’s been in years. When it seemed to be worsening after I started on Wellbutrin we increased the dose and I was better for a while. The problem with depression though is that you're not just fine one day and then suffering the next. It's gradual. You don't even know it's happening usually. And because I had over 12 years of well managed medication and had only changed it a few times in all those years, I didn't remember what the world felt like under this black cloud. Once I figured out that this was what's happening it seems so obvious, but it doesn't make it that much easier to deal with it.

I love my primary care physician and she's been managing my meds for several years. This switch to Wellbutrin though and how bad it's gotten without me realizing as it was happening has me trying to get in to see a psychiatrist. Now I remember why I had Dr. Reierson take over my prescriptions when my last psychiatrist I saw retired. It's a TWO MONTH WAIT to get in as a new patient. Two fucking months. I'm going to see Dr. R in 2 weeks (of course she's on vacation now... stupid Murphy's Law!) to see what we can do to get me through until I can see the specialist. Seriously, how do people get through this if they don't have anyone to see in the long wait to see a psychiatrist? It's going to be a long couple months until I get out of this pit and feel like myself again. But like G.I. Joe says, "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle." When things feel really bad I'm going to just have to tell my self that it will get better.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 06:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ltlpengy.livejournal.com
Oh Fods, mine is the worst it has been in a while too. I just started crying at the start of your post... transference much Sal?
(I also just discovered that I forgot to have lunch, and therefore my lunchtime meds, which doesn't help much)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 03:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
Yeah, doesn't take much for me to cry either. *hug*
Why can't things like this be easy to fix?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 07:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] genevra.livejournal.com
Ugh... mine's been worse too. I think mine's mainly situational, but it still sucks. Can you go back to the zoloft?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
Yeah, I can go back to Zoloft if that's what we decide. Either that or try something new. Either way I'm done with Wellbutrin.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 12:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kajicarter.livejournal.com
After Marian was born I fell into a black, sucking pit of depression. I'd always had issues with it, but this was...well, you know. They started me on Prozac, which was okay but it seemed to make me sleepy. Then we tried Wellbutrin. After a week or so (I don't remember how long it took to kick in), I called up the doctor and said "I am going off this NOW", as everything had gotten bad again, with a side of psychotic. Some people like Wellbutrin, but for others it can be really terrible. (Just as a side question, have they ever checked your vitamin D levels? I started getting massive doses of vitamin D, and it seems to help quite a bit.)

Hang in there! {{virtual hugs}}

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalmn.livejournal.com
seconded on the vitamin d. i mean, yes, keep doing the other stuff you're doing, but they just checked my vitamin d levels and they were super low and then the megadosing and it was amazing.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
I'm going to have the doctor check my vitamin D when I get in to see her. I don't think it's ever been done and it certainly can't hurt.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] genevra.livejournal.com
Out of curiosity, how much is a "megadose"?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 08:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalmn.livejournal.com
50,000 iu twice a week.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
Vitamin D has never been checked. Or at least if it has it's been a VERY long time. I'll be sure to have Dr. R check it.
Someone else just recently mentioned the psychotic/irritation/anger effects of Wellbutrin recently too. I hope that's what's happened and getting off it will improve things. While arguing with Rick about a month ago I had a uncontrollable hysterical breakdown that may or may not have been a panic attack. Terrified me & Rick because it'd never happened before and we had no clue what was going on. There have been other little things too when we are arguing or discussing something that never happened before. If it's the Wellbutrin causing it, just getting back to my previous level of crazy will be a huge relief!
Prozac is one of the few I've never been on.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 01:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freyjakj.livejournal.com
Uggh - getting medication right is a pain in the butt. I wish you well on that. My own bouts of depression have been situational, not ongoing, and mine also are typically accompanied by on again off again anxiety, so I cannot compare our two experiences. However, when in one of my last slumps, it was recommended that I could check out the walk in counseling center in Minneapolis. Here is a link to them: http://www.walkin.org/ Also, you are still in school, correct? Do they have a counseling center? My school's counseling center got me through a very rough year in college. These are not permanent fixes, I know, but maybe there is somebody you can see before 2 months is up, because not being able to talk to somebody when you need to/want to really SUCKS. Well wishes. Hang in there. You can and will get this figured out.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
I'm not in college any more.
I'm not sure I need an immediate walk in right now, but I will keep it in mind in case things get really bad in the next two weeks before I get in to see my doctor.
Just knowing that I can start getting things taken care of soon is helping.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-02 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] datagoddess.livejournal.com
Mine's flaring up, too. I've always gotten my meds from my GP, but I'm going to start seeing a counselor soon.

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
Me & Rick see a therapist, but she's not a medical doctor. The psychiatrist will mainly be to manage my meds.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 01:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] scubagrrl.livejournal.com
Oh, honey, I didn't know. That sucks. I'm glad that you (or Rick) did notice it's getting bad again, and you can get help. Thank gods we live now, not 100 years ago.

I hear you about being the "easy" kid and not needing attention. Except we did need it. And now we can fill that space with attention from our friends- who don't take us for granted!

No advice to offer but I'm glad you're getting help. And I think two months is a stupid long time to make someone wait. Can they call you if there's a cancellation?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hellziggy.livejournal.com
Of course you didn't know, silly. I didn't even know.
If we did live 100 years ago we'd probably be dead by now. We are both 40 after all! LOL
They don't have a cancellation list but I can keep calling to ask if there are any new openings.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] scubagrrl.livejournal.com
It's more that I feel out of touch, or something. I should have known you well enough to notice that something was wrong. Potentially pointless guilt. I know that.

I hope you feel like yourself real soon cuz you're a pretty great person! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-03 07:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gunthar.livejournal.com
I don't know if this would be as effective for your depression as it is for my chronic pain, but you might want to try.

You described your as a creeping monster and again as a black cloud. You can use that perception to your benefit.

If you can give your symptoms a different form or flavor you can find one that is not quite so difficult to tolerate, even if just for today. And even if you are unable to affect the intensity of the symptom, any change you make can help.

Just knowing you have some control can be a tremendous relief in itself.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-09-05 02:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whimsywinx.livejournal.com
Depression sucks. You know you need to reach out and you just don't have the energy. *hugs* Keep workin' on it!

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